Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
