I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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