She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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