You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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