I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
