He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
