U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
