Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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