he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
zippers are such a cool invention
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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