mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
