the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm eating all of the evidence.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
