I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
