I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She bit a glass in half.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
