I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
