My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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