Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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