I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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