the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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