The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my shit smells like andre
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
