If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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