It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
