A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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