I think my vagina is haunted
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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