You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
