Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
