Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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