I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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