Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
