no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
