i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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