Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
