haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
