I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
