Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
