i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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