I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
