Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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