I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
