Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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