Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
