My hand turned me down
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
