i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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