You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
