Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
