So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
