and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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