im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
