So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
