omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
