One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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