I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
