is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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