i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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