Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
